I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Transparency- Not Just for Overheads Anymore

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were transparent? What if everyone could see what was in your mind, or in your heart at any given time? What if you couldn't hide when you were feeling inadequate, or lonely, or depressed, or unloved?

I am not the kind of person who easily shares when I am struggling. I guess I feel like it would be a burden to others. I am a very good listener, and give sound advice (I hope!). I am the one people come to with their struggles, but I never have felt able to really share my burdens with others.

Ask any of my good friends when the last time was I admitted I was struggling with something. (That wasn't masked in generalities) And they will probably say: Never.

Why is that?

Well, I suffer from a disease called "Caring too much what people think of me" Syndrome. Even typing that makes me wonder what you're thinking about me right now. What exactly causes it? An inordinate amount of pride. An unwillingness to admit my humanity. A feeling of letting down others if something is wrong or imperfect with me.

How did I get to be this way? Well, I have always had a very independent nature. I like to be in control of things. My mother died when I was a young teen, and so I took on a lot of the home responsibilities (of my own choosing) and grew up quick. I have always acted as though I have never needed anyone's help for anything. Maybe the fact that my sister (no offense Sis) was very needy at the time, and I enjoyed mothering her contributed. It developed in me the mindset that I can handle it. No matter what 'it' was, I could take it. I didn't need anyone or anything. I was fine.

But you know what? I wasn't fine. There have been lots of times when I haven't been fine. And there is no freedom in that kind of mindset. There is no joy in serving, because you're too focused on getting it right, of pleasing others. There is only stress, and expectation, and more stress.

As of today, I am letting that mindset go. I am clinging to the strength I can only find in Christ my Savior. I am shouting to the world that I AM WEAK! I need help! I can't do it on my own! I WON'T do it on my own ANYMORE!

I am resolving to ask God for strength and wisdom every day. Every minute. Every time I feel overwhelmed. I am not going to act like everything is okay all the time. If I need to cry, I will cry. But I will not pressure myself to be perfect. I will do my best, and that will be enough. It's all I can do.

Doesn't that seem elementary? Shouldn't I already know to do that? I mean, asking the Lord for strength is pretty basic. Yeah. Maybe you're different from me. Maybe you don't want to control every single aspect that touches your life. Maybe it's easy for you to reach out and ask for help. For me it's not so easy. I like being in control. I like manipulating circumstances. I am comfortable with having my hand in the pot at all times.

Sometimes I think that God won't come through, so I better do what I can to make sure things happen the way I want. It sounds childish, doesn't it? It sounds ridiculous! I can trust Him with my eternity, but in the little every day things, I am fearful. How silly.

I am not good at waiting on the Lord to move.

I am tempted to erase this whole post and pretend it never existed.

Yesterday I was reading through some songs I've written, and I was really convicted by them. I wondered how I ever got the idea for some of them. The Lord spoke to me so clearly in those times. I am working on getting back there. Giving Him back the control and not worrying about the details. It's a daily battle, but today I feel victorious.

Thanks for listening. I feel better now.


  • Terry @ Breathing Grace

    I, too, had experiences early in life that made a strong backbone and independent spirit necessities of survival. As I was reading your post, it occurred to me that no one in my life could probably pinpoint any specific struggles I've shared, either.

    I needed thid today. Lots to ponder.

    Thanks Julie

Blog Widget by LinkWithin