I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Monday, August 11, 2008

Oh I Love Bad Novels!

If for no other reason than they make for good blog fodder. I have recently finished reading some of the worst Christian fiction I have ever laid eyes on. The metaphors are stupid, the descriptions either too long, or too weird, and just really dumb plot points.

So, today I will be posting quotes and making comments. And they make me laugh. The direct quotes from the books will be in, what else, quotation marks. My comments will be in italics following.

But I will be nice and not tell you the author's name or the title of the book. Because I would hate for you to subject yourself to the whole versions. Ready?

"Tonight Brad's heart sat on his sleeve and lay on his tongue." Isn't that painful? And messy?

"He wanted to hold a woman again, feel her body next to his, but the woman in his thoughts had a face." Whoa! There are faceless chicks??

"The words poured out of him like a leaky bucket." Not like WATER from a leaky bucket mind you- just like a leaky bucket.

"Her trip from Africa would have taken at least a week." Why? Was she stuck in the 1800s? Or was she planning to hitch hike from one submarine to the next?

"She felt distracted, glimpsing around the room again, until she finally gave up, deciding he wasn't coming." How exactly does one 'glimpse'? Maybe it's a trick she picked up while hitch hiking on the subs? A military maneuver perhaps?

"She could picture Brad and a faceless woman sitting there on cold winter nights." Again with the faceless chicks. Is there something I should know? Seriously...I wanna see one..

"She gave Brad a secret smile as Danny scampered beside her on the love seat." Scampering at my house is strictly restricted to out in the woods with woodland friends. Never on the furniture.

"The kiss happened so gently, and with such haste she wondered if it were only wishful thinking. But when she looked in the mirror she knew it had been real." Why? Was there a huge hickey? Maybe a little post it note saying 'Brad was here'? Hmmm?

"I think of you now instead of feeling sorry for myself." Because you are pathetic.

"Though she said the words aloud, the hurt and disappointment stayed." Duh! Unless the words were 'Hurt and disappointment leave now!' should she be surprised?

"If you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have cared." Um, what?

"She lay against him and his fingers brushed her powdery skin." Then he wiped them on his pants and wished he was with a faceless chick.

"With shivers of yearning, he opened the door, promising to call her." Ew. I usually open doors with my hands.

"For the life of me I have no idea who the folks in those photos are, so it will add a little authenticity to the album." Because if I knew these people that would make it un-authentic.


  • Mary

    I can only recommend you review your reading habits. I am absolutely surprised you read enough to get so many awful quotes;) Still, your responses made up for it - funny!

  • impromptu-mom


    Bad Fiction can be so inadvertently entertaining sometimes.

  • WendyMom

    Oh. my. word.

    That was PAINFUL!

    And, a little scary at the same time. I can't believe someone actually PUBLISHED that mess, and are you sure it was Christian fiction? 'Cuz it sounded a little like an old Harlequin romances. A bad one mind you.. but wow.

    You must give us the name so no-one else is subjected to that..

  • Victoria

    You read the WHOLE thing?!

    I was wondering the same as wendymom - CHRISTIAN fiction? Yikes.

  • JulieMom

    Ok, did I say I actually READ THE WHOLE THING? That would be WAAAAAYYY misleading. In books like this I am a 'skimmer'. As in I skim to the end so I know what happens.

    But I stopped dead in my tracks when these phrases hit my conscious mind.

    Then I wrote them down and made fun of them. Worst book ever printed!!

    And yes they are Christian fiction- from a company that prides themselves on the Gospel in every book!

    (If you can see it through the smut in some I guess. But in my defense, it was a gift. I swear!)

  • Michelle in Mx


  • Paula

    OK, I was totally laughing out loud. I know this is an old post, but I clicked on the "sarcasm" posts and started to read. I do not regret it at all. You are hilarious! Thanks!

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