This week will be Highlighting the Crazy Neighbors week. Glad you could join us. Ready to learn about the crazies who inhabit my neighborhood? I thought so. Let's get started...
The other day the girls and I went for a walk. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. Then we rounded the corner and saw it: the house belonging to the paranoid old couple with the grizzly bear dog. Maybe you know them. Or someone like them. Aren't they precious?
Anyway, all seemed quiet, the girls were happy, life was good. It seemed maybe Demon Dog was taking a nap, or was maybe on a trip to the vet where he was hopefully getting many painful shots. Well, we continued merrily on our way, until we entered 'Demon Dog' Radar Zone. The 'dog' (if it really is a dog) jumped at the fence, barking and foaming at the mouth. My children scattered, screaming, except for Snow White who lay on the ground, motionless. It was her only defense.
Then, it was on. And I almost got into my best Chuck Norris pose and shouted that at the dog, "It's on dog!!", but figured it would be setting a poor example for the Princesses (even if one of them was passed out). And while I was tempted to beat the Demon Dog with a lead pipe, or at the very least pepper spray its ugly snout, I couldn't.
Because somewhere in the shadows they were watching. The paranoid old people.
And something tells me the husband is an ex-marine. It's like he is waiting for me to lift a finger to their dog so he could come busting out through the french doors with fists and feet flying and render me unconscious, then look all innocent and frail while his wife cries and they have me arrested for trying to disarm their only defense so I can get my hands on all the GOLD and JEWELS next to ALL THE DIAMONDS they hide in their mattress.
And you know what? Trying to sleep with all that pokey junk stuffed under me at night would probably make me pretty grumpy too. Maybe I should have taken the opportunity to tell them about the options at the bank. Like a safe deposit box. But they would have probably thought I was an agent for 'them', whoever 'they' are. Those 'Grumpy Old People's Loot Stealers' I suppose.
So instead of kung fu fighting, I pick Snow White up off the ground, remind the other girls we do not make eye contact, and hustle on around the corner. Which only brings us to the next house...which I will detail tomorrow.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
*10,000 points to the first person to recognize the slightly altered movie quote included in this post.*