I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Monday, June 09, 2008

How To Impress Women: A Training Guide for Males

The following are some simple tips and tricks to help you impress the woman in your life (whether wife or possible future Mrs.) I must admit this is not only to help men, but to be a blessing to the female population in general. Because, let's face it: most men need help. And the woman in your life is probably too meek to say anything.

So I will

Friendly advice can only go so far to help in the romance department. If you have two heads, or suffer from another unfortunate ailment such as choking people for no apparent reason, or sweating so profusely that you consistently slide off your chair at dinner, or look anything remotely like the man above, then you may wish to pursue romance online. Or pray for a miracle.

1. Learn To Match Your Clothes
Don't shake your head wistfully at me, admit you have a problem. Black pants and a navy blue blazer DO NOT MATCH. They should never be seen together. (Kinda like the President and Vice.) Not even if you plan to marry them with a tie that contains both colors. JUST SAY NO! If you have to, hire a service that will come to your house, go through your wardrobe, and figure out what things match. The perfect service will not only numerically organize your clothing, but make spreadsheets that show which numbers are to be worn together. This is a boon for you color blind gents. I guarantee any woman you marry will be FAR too busy in the mornings to lay out your clothes. This goes double for Sundays.

2. Take the 'Good Oral Hygiene' Challenge
If you hope to engage in *ahem* close personal fellowship (but not before marriage, right?) with the woman in your life, then learn to brush and floss. Not only teeth, but tongue as well. Did you know your tongue is the place where smells like garlic and onions take up residence? And that when you close your mouth the stink factory works overtime so that the next time you open your mouth, you could cause anyone within a ten foot radius to pass out? If the woman in your life is the first to greet you after the stink factory has been running awhile, you may think she has swooned with passion. Logic would have it otherwise. Go brush your teeth and tongue, then apologize when she comes to.

3. Realize The Clothes Hamper Is Your Friend
I know it looks tricky, what with a lid and all. But the hamper is your friend. No need to let the carpet absorb the stink from your dirty clothes. Hide them in a hamper! Since it's a little tough to use, I'll walk you through it:
a. Remove dirty articles of clothing. Resist the urge to throw them on the floor and walk away. Hold loosely in your left hand.
b. Grasp the lid to the hamper firmly in your right hand and lift straight up.
c. Position left hand over the hamper opening.
d. Release dirty clothes.
e. Replace hamper lid.
When you get good at it, these steps can take as little as two to three nanoseconds to accomplish. And if you leave out step b and place your clothes on the hamper lid, then I personally give your wife the permission to slap you. Hard.

4. Wash Your Midnight Snack Dishes
Maybe you're thinking: "What?!? I don't eat late at night. I don't know what you're talking about!" I would have to say that unless the clean dishes that your wife put away before closing down the kitchen for the night spawned some dirty kids in the wee hours, the evidence would point to you eating at night. Do yourself and your wife a favor and wash the dishes you use. It's not that hard. And it erases evidence. Think about it, you'll really be doing yourself a favor.

5. Learn to Listen; That Means Don't Talk
When the woman in your life has an issue she's working through and she chooses you (for some unknown reason) to vent to, do not offer advice. Do not interrupt, roll your eyes, cross your arms, or sigh disparagingly. Do not try to move her along with hand gestures to get to the part where you get to talk. Don't mentally think (while she's still talking) of all the things she's done wrong in this situation and plan ways she can fix it. Just listen. This means you close your mouth and turn off all gestures and advice-giving male tendencies and listen carefully. Then when she's done offer to pray for her and hug her. Kiss her. You'll be her new hero, although she may wonder what has happened to you. Please don't mention you learned this by reading my blog. It just may ruin the moment.

6. Send Her on A Mini-Vacation
The location doesn't have to be a spa. Let her know how much you appreciate her by letting her have an evening off. Give her the choice of you taking the kids away somewhere so she can have the house to herself (and command her NOT to clean), or tell her to go anywhere she likes. And mean it. Let her buy herself dinner somewhere, or just sit and drink coffee and people watch for a few hours. DO NOT CALL HER DURING THIS TIME. Not even if one of the kids catches on fire. They have professionals for that who can help you. But not me.

I hope this has been enlightening to all you male-type people out there. And women, if you have anything to add I would love your thoughts in the comments. Males, this would be a good time to practice Helpful Hint #5.

Happy romance!


  • Mary

    7. Do what ever it takes (tattoos if necessary) to have all the important dates such as anniversaries (all of them - first date, first kiss, first dance etc) and birthdays truly and properly acknowledged. Hire a secretary for this purpose alone if you think for one moment you may be bad with dates.

    8.Dedicate at least one morning a week where you honestly and lovingly declare to the love of your life - 'you stay in bed darling while I go and brew your first coffee'. Practice the sincere look in the mirror beforehand and don't call out from the kitchen 'Where's the coffee blonder?"

    Got a few more but I will wait and see how the other bloggers go.

  • Joni

    On Hint #3, my husband might be a little confused by the "lid" part of the advice. You see, it's not simply having a lid on the hamper that "hampers" the clothes from making it into the...hamper...

  • Aunt Bossy

    9. Rinse your whiskers and toothpaste spittle out of the sink when you are done with your am/pm hygiene routine. There is no need to leave them there to create a whisker crust with toothpaste stalagtites for your wife to clean up when she goes to use the same sink for her own hygiene routine. Rinsy-rinsy, men!
    10. You know the area of the toilet seat that we women NEVER use? CLEAN IT. You lift the lid, you look at it everyday, so you have GOT to notice when the porcelain takes on a yellow hue. Grab a few Clorox wipes & the job will be done in seconds.
    11. Study the kitchen drawers and cupboards--and by study I mean LOOK BEHIND THINGS. We have both lived in this space for the same amount of time--do I really need to tell you where the cereal, knives, spoons, plates, etc. are?
    12. When I do agree to tell you where things are, LISTEN TO THE WHOLE SENTENCE. If I say "downstairs bathroom" and you only hear "bathroom" and therefore run upstairs to look for the bandaids that I need RIGHT NOW to stem the flow of blood from my finger-meets-Cutco-knife incident and then yell to me that you can't find them, I am NOT going to be happy with you. NOT HAPPY AT ALL.
    13. Love me even when I am grumpy and picky (not that I am EVER grumpy or picky--right, Juliemom?) and choose to notice all the annoying things you do/don't do while forgetting all the things you DO do to contribute to this household, like balancing the checkbook and studying God's word and seeking to serve & know Him better.

    And that's all I have to say about that...
    (Name that movie! I know--nowhere near as challenging as Juliemom's obscure 80's flicks trivia.)

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