I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

How to Make An Unforgettable Impression on Your Missionary

1. Send them packages: But don't mark them as gifts. Instead, write down the value as five million dollars so they have to pay a hefty customs fee. (Which may or may not include handing over their first born child) Make sure you fill the boxes with things they won't possibly want. Used tea bags and Q-tips, or empty shampoo bottles work well.

2. Write them letters: That threaten their ministry. Pretend you're an agent from their government and are starting a full-blown investigation into everything from the way they handle their money to their children's clothing choices. Tell them you'll be checking in sometime in the next six months, so they shouldn't leave the country. This is particularly effective if you know their visas or passports expire within that time frame.

3. Visit them: Call them from the airport after you've arrived and let them know you'll be staying several months. Since missionaries just sit around and study the Bible all day, or write on their blogs, this shouldn't be an inconvenience. Come with a planned itinerary that includes lots of travel and limited money so they can help you pay. You are their guest after all. And missionaries are there to serve.

4. Pray for them: To come home. Everyone knows missionaries can't really be happy where they're located, so pray for them to come home. Throw in depression and frustration while you're at it, and you'll be seeing them that much sooner.

5. Advertise their ministry: With exciting gossip. Make up stories about them that will have the whole church talking. Spread these stories like wild fire. Especially to the pastoral staff and missions committee members. If you do this right, no one will ever forget them.

6. Call them often: Collect. Multiple times a day even. Ask them important questions like "What did you have for breakfast?" or "What's the time difference again? I forget." Missionaries love that.

7. Send out their prayer letters for them: Without permission. Since you'll be in constant contact with them, you can pretty much make up a report for them. You may even want to include some of the stories you've used in their advertising campaign. In fact, you may want to send out two or three a month. No reason why your favorite missionary shouldn't be everyone's favorite.

8. Introduce them by name: The wrong name. This is especially effective when they are home on furlough and you have them in front of the entire church body. Use a name similar to their own, but wrong enough for them to correct you. For example, 'Cob' for 'Bob'. Or 'Duck' for 'Chuck'. When they say "No, my name is ______," you can reply by saying "That's what I said." Again, very effective.

I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you implement any of these tips, and what your missionary friends say. I'm sure these will lead you down the path toward an unforgettable impression. And possible time in prison, so use them wisely.

5 Comments:

  • Victoria

    I'm going to pray harder for you! I'm afraid to ask if there's a story that sparked this post. Again, I'll just pray. Thanks for serving!

  • WendyMom

    STOP. MAKING. ME. WHEEZE!!!

    Or, I'll be forced to forward my MD bill to you in the government letter/package that I'm sending!

    I'm with Victoria- I am afraid to ask also....

    Still sick- will try and catch you up soon on life here- other than the couching, wheezing, mucous fest that is!

  • Erin

    I caught the part about the prayer letter....... remember I have your list of churches! This could be sickningly fun!

  • JulieMom

    Let me clarify and say this is just an example of the crazy that thumps around in my head.

    NOTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO ANY OF THESE HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

    Please don't worry unnecessarily about me. :0) But thank you for your concern.

  • Janice

    OK so when are you going to publish the "missionaries' survival techniques when victims of loving and ever-so-helpful-and faithful supporters"? I would be interested n an advance copy!

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