If you missed the first edition, check it out here.
Clinton: So, today we are doing a part two of the Food Network Stars. Because, seriously? They all need our help. First up today is Sara Moulton. You don't know who she is? Well, she's the blond with horse teeth that hosts that show where idiots who can't boil water call in...what is the name of it..?
Stacy: Sara's Secrets. Like Victoria's Secret. But boring. And completely clothed. So really not.
Clinton: (Looking confused) Ok... She's the Mom who's a chef, and thinks that she must prove it every show by always wearing that chef coat with 500 buttons. Are you part Chinese by any chance?
Sara: (lips separated from teeth like Mr. Ed) Well, I think it's really important to look professional.
Stacy: Yeah? With your mouth hanging open? That's sanitary. You could catch flies you know.
Clinton: And they have diseases, which are not good in the kitchen.
Stacy: And who are you trying to impress with that coat at the soccer field? In your home while cleaning?!? We get it- you're a chef! But you know what? I don't care- unless you're cooking me food. Great! Now I'm schvitzing.
Clinton: Our suggestions? Get over yourself and wear some cotton. Live in the real world where the sane reside. It's not all about you and your job. Ok, Sara, close your mouth and move along. Thank you.
Stacy: This next foodie diva is well-known to all of you. Probably because you get her confused with the iconic SaraLee. When her name is in fact, Sandra Lee. (Turns to face Clinton and flings hair) You know Clinton, I think it's a little bit wrong to possibly become famous because your name is almost like the Cake Lady's name.
Clinton: I don't think that's why she's famous. Have you seen her show? Her hair always looks nice, and her clothes are clean, but she's always a bit too provocative. Like that teacher everyone suspects is dating the football team.
SandraLee: Um, I'm standing right here. It's not like I can't hear you...
Stacy: (Whips head around to SL) How about this- you go find yourself a semi-homemade high collar button up shirt that doesn't push "the girls" into my face, and then you can talk to me...m'kay? Get her out of here. And see if that's her real hair, would you?
(Backstage crew lead SL away)
Clinton: And while you're at it, join a twelve step program! (Quietly to Stacy) Not even Kitty Dukakis drinks that many cocktails. (Short pause) Well maybe Kitty Dukakis.
Stacy: Whatever Kelly. Our next guest would have been Mario Batali, but when we were preparing him for the 360, he got stuck in the door. Did they get him out yet? (Looks offstage)
Clinton: I don't think so. I think they were sending for Ty and his bolt cutter or something. But I did take his orange crocs away. I couldn't stand them one more second.
Stacy: Is that what the smell is? Throw those out! Oh, and get Arrojo in here to lop off that ponytail, would ya? Nothing says mafia like a fat italian with a ponytail.
Clinton: And nothing says 'diet' like getting stuck in the 360 doorway.
(High five each other)
Stacy: Which brings us to our next guest. The beloved Paula Deen.
Clinton: Paula. Paula, Paula, Paula...
Stacy: Is there something in your mouth?!? Did you find the butter in the green room again?
Clinton: Here, spit it out in Batali's crocs. Spit it now! Wipe that grease off your face.
Stacy: Paula, Honey, let me give you a bit of advice. It's kind of endearing that you have a love affair with butter, but when it makes you dress in those tent-like shirts? You gotta put it down before they send the 41st infantry to camp out under there.
Clinton: And I'm sorry, but if you're going to have your face professionally tightened and younged-up, you better have them do your neck too. And if I were you, I might ask for a refund. 'Cause they missed a bunch.
Paula: Well, y'all, I would luhve to stay and chayat, 'caws this has been so luhvlee, but ahm meetin' the Barefoot Contessuh fuh lunch on the Staten Ahland ferry, and ah don't wonna be layt.
Stacy: Ok. You go have fun with Ina Garten. Which sounds like In A Garden. Is that her real name? Anyway, just check with wardrobe before you go. They have a de-tentification process they'll lead you through.
Clinton: At least with those two on board they can be assured of the ship's buoyancy.
Stacy: HA! (Collects herself) Our next chef scoring high marks in fashion ineptitude is Guy Fieri. Where to begin? (Looks Guy up and down) You have a trademark. Your hair is definitely making a statement for you.
Clinton: But the sweatband on your arm? Unless you clean your knives on it, that went out in like 1988. The same year Punky Brewster went off the air. Both ended for good reasons.
Stacy: And we get it. You like black. And flames. You're "bad". But let me remind you- you go out and visit drive-ins, diners and dives. Know where I'm going with that?
Clinton: Not real "bad boy" places. More like bad gas and cholesterol places.
Stacy: And never once on your show have I seen someone who is rockin' it out fashion-wise. So, what are you trying to prove?
Clinton: That you're the next Food Network Star because you wear men's capri pants (labeled skateboard shorts) and a bowling shirt? Last time I checked that was cool back in...oh, NEVERLAND!
Stacy: As are your Guy-isms. "Hey- check yourself before you wreck yourself"? Have you ever said that while looking in the mirror? I don't think so. Follow your own advice.
Clinton: Maybe go join a rock band in Seattle. You could be their bodyguard or something. Seeing as how you're "bad" and all.
Guy: (Makes fist at Clinton and cocks a punch. Clinton ducks behind Stacy.) You better check..
Stacy: Aw, check yourself! Try that with me and I'll put a breadstick so far into your schnozzle you'll be serving bread crumbs from your tuchus.
Clinton: You always got my back. Well... that wraps up another episode. Check back next time when we'll be berating and humiliating some of your other favorite TV stars.
Stacy: You know you want to watch.
(Fades to black)
Sunday, September 09, 2007
If you missed the first edition, check it out here.