I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Monday, September 03, 2007

Open Letter to the Mother I Saw at the Outlet Mall

Dear Mother I Saw at the Outlet Mall-

It has come to my attention, through my very own eyes, that there is a slight possibility that you just DON'T GET IT. That perhaps you prefer to live in the dream-like state of the past that is single-hood, and pre-childbearing. That you have somehow convinced yourself that you are not really someone's
mother, but just a beautiful young woman vying for the attention of men everywhere. Using whatever means necessary.

Let me be the first to remind you that those days are over.

Because I saw a wedding ring on your hand. And a snotty toddler on your leg. And a teenage girl sitting with you who referred to you as 'Mom'.

While I think it is important to make yourself at least
presentable, I think all semblance of attractiveness goes out the window when you choose to display the fact that you prefer to floss your nether regions, rather than be more traditional in that, um, area. Because the low-rise jeans and flossing material just make for a car-wreck scenario in which innocent bystanders cannot look away. And while I am all about the freedom of the skivvies, I don't necessarily need to know what you chose.

And neither does the Prince. Honestly.

And while you may think that the tubish-type top you chose to wear enhances the young, vivacious teenager appearance you so desperately wish to portray, let me gently say that you need a little more support for
the girls than a couple inches of spandex can provide. And the stretch marks give away the fact that you have given birth. Especially when you are wearing low-rise jeans. Tight, painful-looking jeans. Saying you have a slight muffin top, would be a gross exaggeration. And I do mean gross.

I could hardly keep down my chicken sandwich and fries.

So let me give you some helpful hints:
1. Measure your waist, and wear clothing that isn't so tight that you damage internal organs.
2. Do some research and work past the spandex. Please.
3. Low rise pants and
flossing the nether regions DO NOT MIX.
Because OH! MY! EYES!
4. You are a mother, and you need to show your girls that yes, their bodies are a gift, but said gift needs to remain wrapped in public.

By following these simple steps, I believe that you could literally, in one day even, blend into society. And while you may still desire attention, you could gain it by the well-behaved children that follow you around, and not because of, well,
all the mess. And chin up- you can save the outfit I saw you in for those special times between you and your Prince. A role-play if you will. And that will certainly get his attention, which is what you should be concerned with anyway.

Sincerely, JulieMom

2 Comments:

  • Mr. Young

    Hi Julie,
    Your posts are the most fun I can have in the blogosphere! You crack me up! Can I just say Amen and Amen to your post. Thanks for the chuckle!

  • Wendy

    Aw yeah, sista!

    I have such a hard time with this one-- mainly because I do not want my son to grow up struggling with desires because of clueless women and girls!

    DO YOU ALL GET THAT MEN ARE VISUALLY STIMULATED?!?!?

    DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE MINDS OF NUMEROUS MEN WHEN THEY GET HOME LATER!?!?

    If you don't respect yourself enough, try to respect me and my family enough.

    Keep it inside YOUR home/bedroom!

    And hence, internets, this is why Juliemom blogged about this topic and I didn't.... cuz she's WAY nicer than me!

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