I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Oh the Joys of Being Female

So, my internet friends, do I have a story to tell you!

And you will laugh with me. Because I am finally able to laugh about it. As I was not able to do heretofore. When you hear this story, you will laugh.

Because it wasn't you.

Well, I am having some issues these days with being feminine. If you know what I mean. Feminine and ladylike have absolutely nothing to do with each other at this juncture. Just so you know. By feminine I mean 'Aunt Flo' is visiting. I am sure you have the gist by now.

If not, I hate to say it, but you are really thick.

So, when I am feminine on day number two, there really is no option for me to leave the house. Because of the heaviness if you will, of the femininity. That, and the fact that I will punch total strangers in the neck if they get too close to me.

*flutters eyelashes girlishly* AHEM.

So, when the product was running low that is a necessary evil to, um, stem the tide of femininity, I asked the Prince to hitch up the marshmallow van and replenish the goods. A task that he is happy to comply with. Especially since during this time he is just plain scared of me. (*see stranger punching comment above*)

He had some other things to do while he was out as well, so I expected him to be a little while.

I did not, however, expect a phone call.

I will take this opportunity to remind you that the Prince is Deaf, and he has to call me using the relay service. This means that a relay operator (read: total stranger) reads the text that is typed to them from the Deaf consumer (the Prince) out loud to the Hearing call receiver (Me). The operator then types into text what the Hearing Call Receiver says in reply. Which the Deaf consumer then reads on his cell phone.

I am sure you know where this is going.

So, let's go back to the previous sentence before the explanation.

I did not, however, expect a phone call. Especially not a phone call from my husband. Through the relay service. In the product aisle. Asking me through a total stranger 'What kind of product did you need again?'

I. WAS. MORTIFIED.

So here is this woman I know only as 'Operator 2476537' now ALL UP IN MY BIDNESS about an issue that is of a very personal nature. And needless to say I was not amused.

It being my feminine time and all.

And did I mention I could punch strangers for no good reason?

You have no idea what thoughts went through my mind as I finished that conversation.

I tried to stay calm, and just reply that I wanted the 'Overnight' kind. But 'Not the thin ones.' And I swear, if I had heard the operator laugh even in her mind, she would have felt my wrath through the phone.

My one consolation is that it was not a male operator.

But wait! There's more to this story!

By the time the Prince came home, I was well beyond the time of need for the product. It was not an option not to have it. So, grabbing the bag and running for the room where the femininity is dealt with, you can imagine my disappointment when I read the label of 'the product' bag now in my grasp.

Serenity.

I DO NOT HAVE A BLADDER PROBLEM. And I can tell you I was feeling none too serene at that juncture.

Because a woman has needs when she is in this very special and delicate time of femininity.

And having a very humbling conversation on the phone only to find the WRONG 'product' in the bag?

NoT. So. GooD.

I must have blacked out at some point, because I do not remember how the issue was solved, and the problem dealt with. All I can say is 'The Lord, He is faithful.'

And I am doing much better today. Day number three.

And I had a hearty chuckle when I was thinking on posting this.

Because I love the Prince with all my heart, and appreciate his willingness to serve me when I am 'T'-Totally unlovable. God's grace extends to even me.

And in the Prince's defense, they DO mix all 'those type products' together.

Poor man. He probably didn't want to spend TOO much time in an aisle of that nature by himself. With no wife in sight. Alone. And reading the labels WAY too long.

So, needless to say, if you have bladder needs, I have a whole pack of 'product' available. You just let me know.

But don't call me. E-mail is much more private.

6 Comments:

  • Megan (FriedOkra)

    OH MY GRANNY! That's bad. I'm sorry. For everyone concerned. (giggles.)

  • Summer in FL

    Oh my gosh -- sounds exactly like something my husband would do. You poor soul! Glad you're better today!

  • Brenda

    I am so glad I clicked over here!!! That was SO funny! I completely understand about day 2. Thank heavens I don't teach anymore. Try excusing yourself that much from a class of wiggly 1st graders who have scissors in their desks.
    Your prince? A saint nonetheless. He gets an "E" for effort. :)

  • Janice

    You really managed the entire day Excellently!! I still saw your Halo a-glowin' through it ALL !

  • T with Honey

    I won't even pretend... this made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Thank you for sharing!

  • WendyMom

    I can tell you from working at a OB/GYN office for 7 years, that those relay operators manage to keep a absolute dead-pan expressionlessness. Can you imagine some of the questions I relayed through them-- all about ALL KINDS of femininity issues like itching etc....

    I never ONCE heard a smirk.

    So, praise the Lord, He is Faithful!

    Oh, and the prince gets an A for effort.

    At least you only punch strangers in the NECK......

Blog Widget by LinkWithin