I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Monday, July 23, 2007

'What Not to Wear' Takes on the Food Network Stars!

So this post is the result of a conversation my FIRL (Friend In Real Life) Wendy and I had the other day while cooking together. It is an episode of 'What Not to Wear' that surprises and makes over Food Network Stars. It's a show I would LOVE to see! So I made up a script of what it would be like.

(Opening Sequence for the Show Runs)

Stacy: "Rachael Ray. You love her, you hate her, whatEVER! We've openly been watching her for the past forever and know she needs some fashion help. And a lozenge. So for starters, let's address the issue of tight shirts, shall we? Great. I'll call them, for your sake Rachael, "tirts" because they're Tight. And shIRTS. I also call them bad taste."

Rachael: "But, um..." (Waving arms around head in usual "talky" style.)

Clinton: "And what is up with those tight pants? What are you, a cook? Or a model for Saran Wrap's new spring collection? Do you slide into them with a little help from your friend E-V-O-O?"

Rachael: "Well, I.."

Stacy: "And somebody, anybody- tie her arms to her sides. Right Now! Moving on. Seriously camerman, (grabs him by the ear and tugs) move on."

Clinton: (Sliding in front of the camera) "Our next Food Network Makeover is that Big Mouth from the Big Easy, Emeril Lagasse."

Stacy: (Throwing his apron in the garbage can and primping her hair afterward) "BAM!"

Emeril: *whimpers* "Mommy..." (Makes whirring sound like a mixer.)

Clinton: "Black is NOT the new fuschia. It's the old white, and it's past Labor Day, so Wear!Something!Else!" (High fives Stacy)

Stacy: "Yeah. And stop making those electronic whirring noises. Pay attention! If you don't want to look like a stuffed Kalamata Olive, I suggest you maybe lay off the fried foods. Like, yesterday. V-necks could shrink your "jowlish region". And pleats could help you. A.LOT."

Clinton: (Stifles a laugh while pushing Emeril off-camera) "And how's that toothpaste line coming? Thought so."

Stacy: "We would have profiled Paula Deen next, but there was a tub of butter left out in the Green Room, and she locked herself in the bathroom with it. (Looks directly into the camera.) How sad."

Clinton: "Alton Brown is the Food Network "Know-It-All", but does he know fashion?"

Stacy: "Whoa. Leave.Him.Alone. He is FINE. Trust me." (Winks at the camera.) "That whole scrubby-face intelli-nerd thing he has goin' on just WORKS, ok?"

Clinton: (Backing up) "So, we'll move on to the last of our stars: Giada "Huge Noggin'" De Laurentiis! Or should that be "Big Beak" De Laurentiis? Or "Wear-It-Down-to-There" De Laurentiis? Or "My Teeth Need Their Own Zip Code" De Laurentiis? Or...(interrupted by Stacy)

Stacy: "Get a grip Kelly. The only thing we have time to address today is the cleavage issue. You know me. "The Girls" don't need a show of their own. We're going to add seven inches or so to the neckline of your shirts, to save us all a lot of trouble, mmm-kay?"

Giada: "But when I was in Rome the shirts were so creamy and crunchy..."

Stacy: (Beats her with a turtleneck.) "Get some new adjectives!"

Clinton: "And Rome is SO last millennium. Get her out of here. And it's really unfortunate we can't switch out that head."

(Screen fades out. Fades up to show Clinton and Stacy sitting on a couch, recapping their favorite moments from the episode.)

Stacy: "I really think it couldn't have gone better. Unless Paula had come out of the bathroom. Every time she mentions butter, I schvitz like a hog in the sun. And I don't even eat pork."

Clinton: (Snorts) "TIRTS. That was a good one. Real genius moment."

Stacy: "As was 'Big Mouth from the Big Easy'. You (shakes jazz hands) shined. No question. So, who should we harass next week?"

Clinton: "I was thinking the cast of 'Deal or No Deal'. TONS to fix there."

Stacy: (Looking deep in thought.) "Yeah. Good call Kelly. Good. Call."

(Fades Out)


  • FriedOkra

    SHUT UP! That was HILARIOUS. I know it had to be seriously funny because I laughed through the whole thing and you totally ripped on some of my Favorite People. It's all true though... sad but true. I was a little disappointed Mario didn't make the cut. They could do a whole show on his orange clogs! ;)

  • FriedOkra

    I linked you AGAIN. This is too funny to be missed.

  • Megan@SortaCrunchy

    Perfect! Just spot-on. Too funny!

  • Pam

    Here via Friedokra. THAT WAS SO FUNNY! My favorite was the part about Giada. Those ARE her favorite words, though it is hard to notice what she is saying because of the, you know, cleavage! Seriously, though, I love Food Network, and all the hosts, despite their flaws. :)

  • shoeaddict

    I loved it! Hilarious...

  • shoeaddict

    Oh, yeah... Emeril's not fom NOLA

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