I Chronicles 29:11 "Thine, O LORD, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty:for all that is in the heaven and in the earth is thine; thine is the kingdom, O LORD, and thou art exalted as head above all."

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Love Is A Many Splintered Thing

I love summer. I love being outside, and playing ball with my girls. T-ball of course, or whiffle ball. I love swimming with my kids and just goofing around. I love all the fresh foods available during summer, and the staying up WAY TOO LATE. But one thing I DO NOT LOVE is splinters. Actually I hate them with a ginormous passion. GINORMOUS I SAY. But even though I hate them, I do have a sick compulsion to immediately remove them from the skin when found. Whether they are in my body or someone else's. But why do I hate said splinters so much? Because they give my children super-human strength. That's why. Oh, and they hurt.

What do I mean by super-human exactly? Let's just describe a recent episode, shall we?

The following is a TRUE and totally FACTUAL recount of REAL-LIFE events:
Once upon a time in the beautiful kingdom where we live, we were having a great time playing outside and just being the all-American family. Because, you know, we are all that and a bag of chips. Nacho cheese chips in fact.

Back to the story at hand- When we came inside and the little ones were being dried off after bath, I noticed our youngest had a splinter. A SPLINTER!! What was I to do?

Like any good Mom I grabbed the nearest sewing needle, and told her to hold still. She, in turn, began to back away from me, shaking her head with her saucer-like eyes bulging, and saying "No Mama, no Mama, NO MAMA...PLEASE!!!"

Me: "Mama is very gentle. Feel this on your other hand. See? That doesn't hurt, does it?"
Snow White: (Before needle is even within three miles of her hand) "Yes! Stop!" (Jerks hand away)
Me: (Sighing DEEPLY, not really so much a growl as a DEEP sigh) "You know I'm not going to hurt you. Don't you trust me?"
*This normally works: guilting your children into letting you hurt them with needles*
Snow White:"No! You will hurt me! This splinter will HURT!ME!"
Me: (Out of the corner of my mouth so as to avoid alerting Snow White) "Cinderella, go get Daddy. I need him to hold Sissy still so I can get her splinter out."

*Daddy comes in and assumes the position usually reserved for, well, hog-tying. At which point Snow White begins the WRENCHING AWAY portion of the splinter removal dance.

**Blogger's Note** You must understand, Snow White is a peanut. She weighs all of 33 pounds. And is about 2 1/2 feeet tall. Prince Charming is a man. A grown up man.

With that visual, let the saga continue:
Snow White's face often becomes red at this point, the inhuman screaming begins, and the super-human strength I mentioned before becomes more evident. She wrenches her arm and body in ways I have never seen. Of course, I have never been part of an exorcism, but I am sure it must be similar. And you know what? She wins. Again.

So then pure emotion and frustration take over, and I start ranting.
Me: (my voice increasing in volume as the emotion of the whole thing sort of rockets out of control) "You know if you don't let me take it out it will get infected, and the Dr isn't nearly as gentle as Mama because Mama loves you the most, and the Dr doesn't even have kids, and you will probably need to have your whole arm cut off from the elbow, and don't cry to me when you can't go potty yourself anymore, or scratch the left side of your body, or eat or write because you wouldn't let me take this splinter out; because I WON'T! WANT! TO! HEAR! IT!!"
Snow White: (speaking in choking sobs) "Ok, I won't." (And she commences to blink her saucer-like eyes in doe-like fashion while clutching the splinter hand to her chest)
Then Prince Charming advises me to put the needle down and slowly leave the room. Which I do, while wiping the froth from my mouth.

Later, after everyone is in bed, I take my trusty sewing needle and sneak into my girls' room. After waving my hand ka-ra-tay style in front of Snow White's eyes to make sure she is unconscious, I look for the offending splinter and quietly remove it. VICTORY AT LAST!!

And I tell myself "Well, that was easy. We won't go through all that rigamarole again." But we do. Every time. There is no method to this madness. It's just madness.

The End.

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